


Do You Feel Me?

by kirogaraii



Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [14]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Angst, Character Analysis, Conversations, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Misunderstandings, Other, We Live In A Society convo, talking about murder and death and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29608413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirogaraii/pseuds/kirogaraii
Summary: Amidst a mental breakdown, after yesterday’s confrontation with Hitori, Kazuaki once again asks Shuu for help and advice.But is it really a good idea to ask the most infamous, anti-social, and clearly deranged doctor Iwamine for advice on social interaction? Well, find out!
Relationships: Iwamine Shuu/Nanaki Kazuaki (Original)
Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623460
Kudos: 5





	Do You Feel Me?

Light peeked faintly through the mostly closed blinds to keep the summer heat away, and shone its cold unfeeling fingers onto a head of blonde hair, collapsed on top of a desk. It was a deep, dark, gloomy, wet mess. Another tearful croak emitted from Kazuaki’s throat. His thoughts felt like they were in shambles, bits of self blame and guilt, laced with frustration directed on the direct opposite—the world around him. Everything in this world was awful.

“I’m… I’m a complete failure.” he spoke in between gasps and sniffling, “I hate… I hate that… I hate… I hate this world…”

The school day felt like it dragged on forever. Since yesterday night, up until this point, Kazuaki felt completely devastated. A surge of hopelessness and emotions that could only exit his head through sobbing and weeping. He hardly managed to keep his composure in the classroom—he gave his students easy worksheets that they wouldn’t need help with, because he feared that if he’d try giving a lecture, his throat would twist into crying and he’d embarrass himself—even more than usual, right? It’s not like his students hold him in esteemed standard to begin with. He was sure that they would be relieved if he got up and quit this job. He was sure of it. But before he could think about that, he just wanted to sit down in solitude and release that suffocating tension in his brain.

Kazuaki wept in an almost completely empty staff room…  _ almost _ . He was not alone. Though the aim was solitude, when Kazuaki entered the staff room, he saw one bird there, and he sat down in the row behind them. For a moment he forgot that he wanted to bawl his eyes out. He stared there, and considered picking up a pen. But over a few minutes, that surge came over him one more time. And then…

“I hate… I hate everyone. I hate this world. I hate our society, this, the way we are brainwashed since birth on how to act, and if somebody can’t conform, they’ll be singled out forever. I can’t conform… I don’t know how. At some point I must’ve hit my head while sleeping, I forgot how to be like everybody else, and the world turned it’s cold back on me. Everyone I knew left me behind… But, really, I was always behind to begin with.

I wish I could change… I wish I could be different. Nobody understands that, nobody knows what it’s like. To be unable to “pretend” that everything is in top shape, and to be unable to keep running and not sit down if your legs feel like they’ve completely given out. It must be simple to everyone… except me. Why was I cursed with a brain that was wired backwards?

How do you… d-…do that?”

Hot tears ran down and stained his sleeves.

“Everyone hides their face. I know that much… I know that surely I’m not the only person in the world with some kind of mental illness, but everyone is seemingly able to just  _ tuck it away  _ when necessary. Keep those thoughts in some secret pocket and maybe let it out when they come home. But in the workplace, they’ll wear a suit and tie, and somehow just… act ‘normal’. How is everyone able to do that? Why not me? How d…

_ How _ do  _ you _ do that?”

Kazuaki lifted his face from the desk and glanced upwards, at the behind of his silent conversation partner. The second bird in the room.

Shuu Iwamine held a document with both hands on top of his desk, eyes staring endlessly forward, unmoving. Getting up and leaving this room was no longer an option, it seemed.

“…Are you talking to me?” asked Shuu, “Are you asking  _ me _ for advice?”

“Y-Yes,” the other hiccuped, “You must know some kind of technique that lets you stay calm and collected all the time. You’re so perfectly formal and not one bit awkward… No one even tries picking on you because they don’t dare to, but I’ve… I’ve always been an easy victim, so… How do you do that? How do you see it, Iwamine?”

Shuu let out a long sigh. Maybe… It’s worth a shot. He asked for it.

“How I see it, the world, and society? How to make life more bearable even though you feel like you completely do not belong with everyone around you… That’s your question, yes?”

Shuu’s lethargic gaze came upon the walls, the shelves, cabinets, and black computer screens around them. Finally, he looked down at his own hands atop his desk.

“Well. I don’t think I ever really felt a sense of intense pressure to ‘conform’, as you call it. But the way you talk about yourself, it does remind me of the way I felt a long, long time ago…

My technique to staying afloat but away from annoying people as much as possible, is to be someone that those annoying people don’t want to be around with. I suppose being a pathologist already did half of the trick. Mm, but that’s not really advice.”

“I can’t make phone calls without having a panic attack, I don’t usually look people in the eyes, and Hitori said that my face is wrong and unappealing because I don’t smile on command…”

“Ah, see, there are methods for that.”

Kazuaki’s eyes lit up at how relaxed Shuu confronted that problem.

“To overcome phone anxiety, there is no choice but to use exposure therapy. In the case of phone anxiety, you have a hierarchy of fears that you need to slowly overcome, building up from easiest types of phone calls to most difficult ones. You should always have a pen and paper nearby, always. And I think a reward system usually works well for you. If you need to make several phone calls in a row, start with the first one and see if you’re up for another one. If you’re starting to feel close to a breakdown after the second call, take a 30 minute break. Set a timer. Don’t be afraid to interrupt the other person and ask them to repeat what they said slower.

These are the methods I used as a teenager to overcome discomfort with phone calls. Nowadays, I actually prefer those much better over physical conversations.

Hmm, next up you said… You want advice on acting more ‘normal’… conform… which in your case means ‘less jittery and anxious, more confident’.”

Shuu stroked his chin as his eyes traveled to the ceiling, “Well indeed… There are artificial methods for that.” he spoke, “Nanaki, have you ever heard of  _ ‘masking’ _ ?”

“Um, I’m not sure, but… I think I can guess what it means.”

“Yes, well, masking is merely a process in which an individual changes or ‘masks’ their natural personality to conform to social pressures, in an effort to minimize conflict. It appears in theater, but obviously all around us as well.”

“Oh yes, that’s what I described just a moment ago, right?”

“Yes. We as a society are obsessed with wearing different faces, and masking.

I’ll tell you what… I know exactly what you mean.”

“R…Really?” Kazuaki was shocked, he even stopped crying.

“…Masking is difficult for us. For you and me. I have learned some… techniques… to make life more bearable over the years, but like you described it, it’s impossible for us to smile on command.”

Shuu paused. But… he already got this far, backing down from the conversation would be inefficient… somehow. And so he continued.

“You see… I am deeply uncomfortable around people in general. But as long as I keep interactions to a bearable and timed minimum, I can muster up some energy to  _ mask _ as well. It has been like this since as far as I can remember. People just… they’re just exhausting to all my senses.

When I am around more than a handful of people at a time, I start to feel nauseous. All noises begin to accumulate, the faces blur together, and I cannot concentrate at all. On another hand, when I am around very few people, it’s rare for me to find them worthwhile at all. They just… talk, about the stupidest of things.

It feels like… Like I come from another planet, but I’m in the body of a chukar partridge, and as such everyone perceives me as outlandish.

And back then, there was a point where I wanted to change and conform to become a bird that doesn’t evoke repulsion in everyone he comes across.”

His words were heartbreaking, felt Kazuaki. He was so astounded that by the self-deprecation displayed by the doctor, that he found it hard to not interrupt and ask more specific questions. This is a side of Shuu that he didn’t know existed, but the doctor continued.

“I still have memorized some of the psychological training I did back then, and I utilize it when necessary.

Frankly put; conserve your energy. Take breaks. Even if it doesn’t look like a smile, bare your teeth before a phone call. Your brain will recognize it as a grin, produce endorphin and dopamine, and the situation will seem less crushing.

There is one more secret about me.” Shuu’s eyes darted between a cabinet and a potted plant, “Have you noticed that I never look people in the eyes?”

“…Um, um, I think I have, yes. I mean, you do look sometimes, I do too, but it’s kind of rare.”

“I can’t seem to speak well when I look at faces. In fact, when I try to look someone in the eyes and speak at the same time, I’ll begin to sound very… unprofessional.”

“Do you feel… scared…?”

“……Secret over. When you’re in a situation where you have to look at the other person’s face because they’re a boss or something of the sort, look at their nose instead, or at something directly behind them. I think people respond to that better.”

“I… I see…”

Shuu took a breath in, and then a breath out. It felt as if some weight inside his body was released just now, and the silence was comforting in itself.

“…I took such big efforts to try to be normal, that it left me even more shambled than before.” Shuu continued seemingly out of nowhere, “Because you see, no matter how much strain I put on my facial muscles to try to smile and elevate my voice, I wanted to hurt people.” he said. “I wanted to hurt people even more so than before. And I always wanted to. That is one of the only things that actually stimulates something inside me.”

“Uh…”

“I have only one goal, and that is to expand my knowledge. But as a scientist in my field, the only way to do that, is to be in possession of living or dead bodies. I want dead bodies, and it’s hard to get them, so there is a bit of a conflict, see?

See, this is how I see it. How I’ve always seen the world.

To me, the world is just a game of chess. And people are the pieces that I can order around, if I do it right, and get to what I want in the easiest way possible.”

“U-Um…”

Shuu leaned back in his seat and crossed arms. It was easier to visualize his thoughts when his eyes were set on the blank ceiling.

“The way I see it, the world is really just a game. You have a set amount of ‘moves’, or time, and you shouldn’t waste your time with filler activities such as overthinking. The way I see it, every bird I come across is just a faceless figure with some name attached to it, but more importantly, they either have something I need or something I don’t need. I can care less about those who aren’t beneficial to me, and I should only muster up some proper effort into looking approachable towards those who  _ can _ be beneficial to me.”

Kazuaki could not see it, although he could hear a smile in Shuu’s voice as he presented his verbal essay.

“That way, I savor just enough energy to not be completely exhausted every day from social interaction alone. That’s why I start every meeting with another bird with something along the lines of ‘Would you like to be a help to me and become a subject to an experiment?’ …If the answer is no, then they can leave. And if they don’t, some effort must be made to make them leave by themselves.”

Shuu put up both hands and shook his wrists.

“And oh my, does  _ that _ make it fun. It is not that I pretend to be someone I’m not, quite to the contrary, by being as bluntly honest about my intentions as possible, useless students just run away in an instant, and it’s almost hilarious. My only role here is to treat medical emergencies, and with my tactic, I am capable of doing my job perfectly, and still find hours upon hours of free time to do things that are actually interesting. And experiments.

Hmmm…” Shuu cupped his chin in thought, then smiled again, “Manipulation is the only way to survive in this world. That’s the only truth there is. Society will trick you into thinking about things like ‘good’ and ‘evil’ and that you should only do things that are ‘good’ to succeed, but the truth is that… the only people who are at the top of the social hierarchy, are the people with the most blood on their hands.

And birds will come up with all kinds of ideologies and philosophies to make excuses for it. ‘Birds are biologically superior to humans’ ‘No, humans are superior’, the truth is that both races are capable of the exact same scumminess. We pride ourselves in our rapidly evolving bodies and intelligence, but we are really the same conceited, asocial creatures as humans were before us. And the only way to achieve the peak of your goals is to take advantage of those who are powerless, and don’t mess with those who are powerful… not yet.

…That’s why, you have to develop apathy.

Because if you delve on dead things for too long, you’ll just get distracted and take your eyes off the important matters, and your life will be snatched by someone else.

I believe my outlook would be called ‘cynical’ in textbook terms, but I see myself as a plain realist speaking from experience.

…I have seen things that most of you cannot imagine. I have seen it up close and personal—the extent to which birds go to get what they want, and discard what they don’t need.

It’s childish to imagine that there is something like…

unconditional kindness. We all work on an exchange basis. That’s a fact proven by ethology, studied, theorized, confirmed.

The birds that go around with ditzy smiles every day and sugarcoat all of their words, are the ones who essentially are the best at the game. No one ever suspects a thing.

But, some are simply born good at pretending, and those like you and me, aren’t. So it’s best to remain optimistic and prioritize other methods to get what you want.”

Shuu has reached a conversational high. He spoke without taking a single break to think about his words. This was truly the rawest and sleekest he has talked to somebody in a long time. His heart drummed with confidence, and he felt a surge of energy. The doctor was delighted to share his ultimate discovery with a fellow.

It was oddly freeing to talk about what goes on inside his head—after all, it’s something he hasn’t done in… how many years?

“In conclusion, what I’m saying is that,” 

A smile graced his features once more, his voice got just a little louder,

“You should not focus on anyone other than yourself, and use whatever means necessary to achieve your happiness— _ Who cares _ if a couple of birds die along the way? You only have yourself to defend, and trust is nothing more than every other social bond—conditional and temporary!”

The doctor expressed adoration comparable to a young researcher making their first breakthrough. In reality, he was merely happy to share this forbidden knowledge with Kazuaki.

“That’s what it is. Apathy. Apathy is the most successful way to get what you want, and leave with only a few bruises.

Nobody matters, nothing matters, but instead of depression, it fills me with optimism.

This… This is the philosophy that I go by. This is what makes life bearable for me, and how I deal with social interactions for the most beneficial results. Did that answer your question, if just a little, Nanaki?”

Thus there was silence.

Coldness brushed down Shuu Iwamine’s back as he finally relaxed his shoulders, and breathed out.

He heard a stammer coming from behind him, and in a jagged tone, he heard,

“That’s…” Kazuaki slowly turned wary eyes at Shuu. His eyebrows furrowed together.

“That’s what a sociopath would say.”

And then Shuu was quiet. He stopped moving, for a good few seconds he may have even stopped breathing. That was, until the low apathetic words left his lips. “Oh. Are you diagnosing me with that?” he turned his head to look at the other with one eye, “Antisocial personality disorder.”

He continued in a faintly shaken voice, elevated. Sarcasm dripped from his words. “Well forgive me. I was not aware that you have a degree in psychology. You should have introduced yourself as such from the beginning,  _ professor _ .”

Kazuaki bit his lip as the realization of what he said hit him. And when Shuu’s glare into his eyes prolonged, he began to recognize more and more a feeling like he had never seen on Shuu.

Offended to a level which felt personal. Betrayal.

“…I…Iwamine…” he trailed off frightened. But Shuu only knitted his brows, and pressed his lips shut. Once again, Kazuaki only watched the back of his head.

“…Kh.” Shuu shook his head, grinning. “To think that I actually fell for it.” he laughed, “You’re the same as every nobody… What a… shame.”

_ Every nobody? _

“Iwamine,” Kazuaki wasn’t sure if he heard the other bird correctly, but a surge of regret came over him. He even reached out with a hand, watching as Shuu stuffed the folder onto his office drawer, and stood up from his chair. “No, no, I’m sorry! Iwamine I didn’t mean to—!”

Completely ignorant to the man calling out behind him, Shuu walked to the door and pulled it open. Staring into nothing in particular, he mumbled to himself; “I thought you’d be different…”

And left the room. The door was closed again.

Kazuaki stared into that unmoving wall for a moment, and he did what Kazuaki always does; let the tears stream down his cheeks.

Just then he finally rushed out of his chair and ran to the door, ran out into the hallway, but it was empty. His footsteps merely caused a quiet echo. Shuu was gone.

_ God… _

_ Oh god… what have I done. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! …I haven’t posted since November!
> 
> Truth be told, the reason why I didn’t post sooner is because of the recent controversies rising up against this website. I would love to quit it and post all my fics somewhere else from now on, but there really is no alternative that comes even close to what AO3 offers.
> 
> If you’re reading this, thank you so much and I love you (/lh). I’m posting two chapters at once to make up for not posting for several months lol. Yes this is an extremely angsty time, but I promise that things will get progressively less angsty from now on, as we leave the era of getting to know each other, and move into the actual… love <3


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